Sinfully Addicted

By Charity Wathu Chingloma – Guest Blogger

couple

Cracks are my favourite sight
Your negligence, my cocaine
Your option, My priority
Its amazing How Hurting me makes me want you more

It aint rational, its emotional
Push me away
Like a widow I’ll still love you
You think am crazy?
A single passion from you will heal me

Am not pathetic
Am athletic
On a race to sanity
Which only is delayed by your vanity

One opportunity I’ll deflater your masculinity
And the We and Us will define the Infinity
Until then my addiction, your ego
Will form a sinful unity

 

Taming the Nanny

nanny

It was only last year when the world was gripped by the shocking video of a nanny who was physically abusing the child under her care not knowing that the parents had installed cameras in the house. Chances are that when the toddler’s parents sat down to watch the videos, those gruesome things happening to their own child were the last thing they could have ever imagined seeing. The realisation of that shocking reality went beyond that household and into the homes of many.

Whether consciously or unconsciously, many parents, especially mothers put themselves in the shoes of those parents. How many working women out there have found themselves in a situation where they had to choose between quitting their jobs and leaving their children under the care of someone else while they went to work? And how many of them are aware of the things that go on in their homes when they are not around?

Because we live in a world that is constantly changing, there comes a time in almost every person’s life when lifestyle adjustments have to be made in order to respond and adapt effectively to that change. Gone are the days when women were considered simply as birth machines whose function was only to birth children and tend to them until such a time that they too got married. Women are now empowered to go out of the home and work hard to contribute financially to the well-being of the family as well. For some women, they are faced with the challenging reality of being single mothers.
Some very traditional men will argue that it is the mother’s fault if her child is being abused in her absence because she has dared to go against the laws of nature by leaving her toddler in the hands of another person while she goes out to take on a man’s role. However, there are numerous reasons why women decide to join the corporate world and leave their children under the care of nannies. The following are some of the things that such mothers can do to ensure the safety of the children they leave under the care of nannies;

Conduct a background check
This should be done before hiring someone but it does not mean that you have to go beyond ethical boundaries and delve deep into someone’s personal life. It simply means that you do enough to check where this person you are about to leave your child or children with comes from. Find out their previous working experience, what sort of personality they have, their habits, and most importantly, know where they live. If you are going to live your home and your children under the care of someone who might not even be related to you, you should do your best to ensure that potential future problems are prevented and that if they occur, you will know which direction to take.

Put them on a trial period
Unfortunately, not everyone can afford surveillance cameras and it’s not always possible to learn everything about someone from second hand information. This is why it’s important to put the nanny on a probation period. During this period, you will have to inform them exactly what your expectations are and teach them yourself how you want things done around the house. Household chores are far different from office chores. At work, one can throw around instructions from every direction and expect that people will deliver to expectation. But that’s different with the home setting because that is your sanctuary. Do not just tell the maid or the nanny what to do, show it to them, step by step. Do not assume they should know just because they have some experience; instead, show them how you want things done in your home.

Built a trusting relationship
This is after you have laid out the rules and expectations from them. Inform them of what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour around your home and be specific if need be; are they allowed visitors? Can they use the phone? How should they dress around the house? How should they address your guests? Sit down with them to address problems or matters arising and do so respectively yet firmly. Listen to them when they have problems and make decisions rationally. Do not come off as easy but also not as someone unapproachable because the next thing you know, they will leave your kids unattended while they run off to buy medicine at the store. Just because someone is working for you does not mean that you are better than them; maintain mutual respect. Pay them on time and when unable to, explain to them why there will be a delay, how long the delay will last and apologize for the delay instead of going about as if nothing is wrong. For whatever frustrations you render upon your maid or nanny, those will be unleashed unto your child in your absence.

Be courteous, but not too familiar
There are two types of mistakes most women make when dealing with their house help; they are either too hostile, or too friendly. Always remember that the way you treat people is what will determine how they treat you. For those that are not in a position to out-rightly reciprocate your feelings, they will do so when you are not looking. This is what might lead to your children being mistreated because someone is transferring their frustrations with you on something that means a lot to you. It is advisable to be friendly yet never too familiar. People should never mistake you and the people you hire to help you around the home for friends or relatives. Always keep the relationship professional.

It’s important to remember that it is a working relationship because only then can you ensure discipline and respect even when you are not around. However, this does not mean that your authority can only be asserted through hostility and unfriendliness. Greet the workers in the morning, sincerely find out how they are, make a plan about what or how they will be having their meals while working for you. Most people ignore this aspect but it is very crucial because a hungry person is not a happy person and you do not want to risk an unhappy person taking care of your home or children. It is unwise to leave all kinds of expensive and nutritious foods for your children and leave nothing for the one who has to prepare that food and administer it to them. Remember, workers too are human and have feelings…just like you.

Are you Husband Material?

Dear men, are you worthy of a virtuous woman?

couple.jpgSince time immemorial, there has always been talk about what makes a perfect or good wife. Men have somehow categorized women into two main groups; those that are wife material and those that aren’t.

I am looking for a Proverbs 31 kind of woman

How many times have you heard that statement from smug looking fellas thinking they are entitled to such a kind of woman? For every man out there seeking a virtuous woman to make their wife, ask yourself this question; are you worthy of such a woman?

When men talk about the kind of wife they desire, it is rare that they actually evaluate themselves to see if they are worthy of such a species. A virtuous woman or a Proverbs 31 kind of woman does not come by accident and neither was she born like that. It took a lot of doing to finally make her like that. Now if you think you can just waltz in and scoop her from off her feet without thinking about whether you deserve her or not, then you have quite a lot of growing up to do.

Consider this practical example for a minute; you walk into a store, you see this woman glowing of all things made of beauty; she smells great, has flawless skin, her long lustrous hair is practically inviting you to pass your hand through it, her legs seem to go on forever in her six inch Prada heels and her red blazing lips are inviting you to draw closer and listen to her wild whisperings. And so you take the bait and make her yours. Two weeks later you realise she is high maintenance and you can’t keep up with her demands and expectations. The question is; wasn’t that fact obvious the very first time you were attracted to her?

It does not make sense for one to have ambitious taste yet fail to keep up once a relationship commences. If her looks are what attracted you to her in the first place, then know beforehand that the moment you make her yours, those looks will have to be maintained (or even improved). And if it is indeed her character you fell in love with, then ensure that your character too is well deserving of hers. This means that if you are someone of low financial means, perhaps it’s better for you and your pride to date a woman within your means. Leave be those fancy glowing women in designer outfits and expensive hair. They are high maintenance and they will bruise your ego the moment you fail to keep up.

Similarly, if you are a playa, a womaniser, alcoholic, or abuser, do not take someone else’s daughter who’s lived a peaceful and beautiful life and make them miserable with your antics. How about dating someone of your character, and if that does not suit your palate, how about grooming yourself into becoming the kind of man deserving of a good woman?

It is very easy to be attracted to someone because people always know what they like and expect in a possible mate. However, it is very difficult for people to ask themselves if they are worthy of the kind of partners they desire. The situation is even worse for women in Africa because from a much younger age, they are groomed to become ‘good wives and homemakers’ but rarely is this the case for men. The result of such socialization is that men grow up believing that they are entitled to virtuous women without considering if they deserve such women in the first place.

The point that some men seem to miss is that Proverbs 31 does not just talk about a virtuous woman; it explains, though implicitly, that such a woman ought to be with a man deserving of her. Here are three points in the chapter where a virtuous man is mentioned;

Proverbs 31:11 – the heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have not lack of gain.
Proverbs 31:23 – Her husband is known in the gates, where he seats among the elders of the land.
Proverbs 31:28 – her husband praises her

So what do the above verses mean?

Trust
What does trust mean in a relationship? Trust is a two-way street and it is something that should be earned, through actions and not just words. Most often than not, people that are hard to trust find it even harder to trust others. Trusting someone in this case means that you will partner with them and communicate with them when it comes to making decisions because you believe that they too have your best interest at heart. Trust means you will not manipulate, abuse, lie, betray or do anything to your partner that you wouldn’t want them doing to you. You will not keep her from doing anything that makes her shine such as advancing in her career for fear of her leaving you or appearing attractive to other men.

Siting among elders of the land
This statement is a matter of respect. Respect for husbands should never be demanded, it is something to be earned. Are you worthy of your wife’s respect? Have you done anything to earn that respect? Elders are mostly known for the roles they play in society and their responsibilities, therefore, as a man, are you doing enough to deliver on your responsibilities and take care of your family? Or rather, are you capable of being a responsible man enough to earn the respect of others?

Praising her
Do not just say women are attention seekers. Trying to be a virtuous woman all day and everyday takes a lot of doing and the least you can do is compliment and appreciate their hard work. If being a virtuous woman was that easy, then you needed not have dated all those women from your past and you certainly don’t need to get down on your knees to ask for her hand in marriage.

Therefore, do not for a moment think that you deserve a virtuous woman simply by virtue of you being male. Instead, do everything to the best of your abilities to ensure that you deserve that kind of a woman. And when you get that woman, prove to her that you are worthy of her love lest she starts seeking someone of her kind because she too deserves a virtuous man.