I Grew Up Before I Healed

I grew up before I healed
Because while I loved him with everything I had
I gave up on the parts of me that mattered most
I had to lose myself to keep him
And he was too self-absorbed to notice
That I had become a shadow
Of the woman he once fell in love with

I grew up before I healed
I gave love without ever getting any in return
My heart, I would have surrendered to give him life
And I would have died with a smile on my face
Knowing I gave him my whole
He was okay with taking it all
Because he loved himself more than I loved me

I grew up before I healed
I took pride in the years spent together
And not the life lived together
I ignored the coldness in his embrace
And his silence when I needed his voice the most
I was so good at keeping him happy
That I forgot I owed it to myself first

I grew up before I healed
I am still learning to love myself
To embrace the parts of me that made me believe
That I was unworthy of wanting more
How was I to know that how I felt about him had
Nothing to do with how he actually made me feel
I am most afraid of returning to that old me
The girl who loved too much she lost herself

I grew up before I healed
So dear life, please take it easy on me
I am still learning to love myself
To rediscover the parts of me I hid to make someone else comfortable

I grew up before I healed
But the scars only hurt when it rains

Because I grew up before I healed

[I wrote this a couple of days ago for a stranger on my Facebook timeline i thought needed to hear these words…just to let her know that – I see you. You are not alone. I hope you keep growing and healing.]

Who are you….

I thought about you again today
My eyes, my ears, my mind
The more I try to erase you
The more I miss you
Who are you?
Where are you?

I thought I saw you again today
My beating heart that’s my sworn enemy
My eyes that see only you
My ears that hear only you
Who are you?
Where are you?

I thought I tasted you again in my tears today
I saw you when I closed my eyes
I heard your laughter from across the room
My shame, my mistake, my regret
Who are you?
Where are you?

I thought I reached for you again today
I touched the bleeding memories
That have become my second nature
I’m grasping at ghosts and shadows
Who are you?
Where are you?

Explosion

They threw me to the wolves and left me for dead
I had only two options: eat or be eaten
I emerged a wolf and they retreated with dread
I drunk their poison and they sent me back to Eden

My hesitation is in no way a reflection of their ineptitude
Rather, it exposes my own frailties
For how can I return favor without rectitude
When I have never dined with deities

When falling is the price, gravity is the beacon
It is the fuel of  love’s implosion
A temptation to the connoisseur of reason
And I’ll be damned if I don’t surrender to this explosion

Seven and Nine

When I was a child, all I ever wanted to be was an adult. Then I woke up one day and wishes had turned to horses except the unicorn had neither wings nor horn. I asked the wise man Mr C why and he said that for me to see them, I had to use my mind’s eyes.  Was he asking me to think like a child or like an adult?  I suspected it was the former but I had bad news for him.

I had no more innocence left in me. In fairytales a kiss awakens a prince but in this life mere words turn to poison the moment they touch the lips. I once lost a portion of my innocence to the tick tock of the clock and later lost the whole lot in deep brown eyes that danced excitedly whenever the host’s tongue spewed venom. The unicorn finally got its wings and in the place of the mind grew its horn.

Dear Alfredo

Dear Alfredo,

I traveled back in time today. I had to. I couldn’t help it. And I have papa to thank for that. This is exactly why I never go back there. That place. The home that haunts me and the people heaven created to love me unconditionally, yet they never did. Papa especially. How can mama love a man so vile he takes pleasure in his own daughter’s pain?

Edmund, that’s the name of your greatest tormentor my love. It’s what I call him whenever I want to get even. He wonders at my audacity and if he could have his way he would hit me senseless just like he does mama. I see it in his eyes. I also see the way his hands shake and his fists knot in bridled fury. The last time he tried it I sent him flying flat on his stomach. My fifteen years of teaching self defense had finally paid off. If mama couldn’t put him in his place, I would. And I did. Now I am paying for it.

There’s a Stranger in my bed

I have days when I wake up happy. And days when I wake up sad. I have moments when my mind is so consumed by stories of people who have never existed, yet are alive in my head. Worlds unknown consume my being, familiar faces of strangers I have never met beckon me and insist I release them to the world. Shadows follow me in both light and darkness.